Quit Yer Bitchin

We all have complaints.  

We all want to be heard when we have complaints.  Often when we complain, it's because we have a need that is not being met.  We want things to be other than what they are.  We may simply want our husband to pick up his socks. Yet, somehow most of us go through life never learning how to ask for what we need in a way that doesn't create frustration for ourselves and others.  Think back to the last time you bitched at someone and ask yourself if your words and actions created the effect you were hoping for.  Did you get what you wanted or needed, or did you end up with yet a longer list of complaints?

Here's what I wish I had learned when I was in Kindergarten:

Every complaint is a request in disguise.

 

Sit with this for a moment and see if it rings true for you.  If it does, then when you next hear yourself complaining (even better if the complaint has not yet left your lips), ask yourself how it can be transformed into a request.  Here are the important ground rules:

1. Before you make a request, you must be calm.  If you are upset and your request is tinged with frustration, you have already lost the person on the other end of the conversation. They are already in defensive mode and less willing to be accepting of your request.  Remember your mood is contagious. You may need to do some deep breathing, go for a walk, or have a moment to yourself before you are ready to make your request calmly.  
2. Ask for their listening.  Don't assume someone will give it to you just because you start talking.  Their listening is a gift.  By asking for it, you are reminding them of such. 
3. Know what it is that you want and speak it clearly.  This may seem like a given, but you must be ruthlessly clear about conditions of satisfaction when making a request or you will most likely end up being disappointed and frustrated.  For example, your request should address who, what, where, and when....as in, "Would you be willing to bring a me a cold glass of water right now?"
4. Be sure your request is not a command or a demand.  This is a big one.  A request begins with, "I have a request, would you be willing to....?"
5. Be prepared for the other person to accept or decline your request, or make a counter offer.  Again, remaining calm no matter what the outcome will help you to move forward with greater ease.  See last month's post, "Internal Fix" for a great exercise to help you stay calm.

Taking on this practice has profoundly changed the way I communicate with family, friends, and complete strangers.  I complain less often, more of my needs are met, and my husband doesn't think he is married to the nag of the century.  Usually.  Seriously, this way of communicating sidesteps frustration and allows for communication that promotes partnership and peace rather than opposition, resentment, and frustration.

Imagine that every time you complain, or nag, or bitch at your loved one, it's like pooping in the fish bowl of your life together.  Before you know it, your loved one feels he has the need to do the same.  The poop piles up and the water becomes toxic.  Then, you are both suffocating and feeling desperate to leave the bowl.   

Making requests is like having someone place a spacious bowl of clean, clear water in front of you.  By practicing, you will be giving yourself and your loved ones an effective way to step out of old patterns and stagnant conversations that breed negativity.

As the old saying goes... what you put out into the world is what will come back to you.  If you don't like being slapped with a list of complaints then begin turning yours into loving requests.  As always, I say this as a reminder for myself as much as I say it as a reminder for you, my dear readers.  We have so much more to gain in making a request than allowing ourselves to be stuck in the suffering that is created when we complain. 

Now, upon further examination, I would change the title of this post to "Would You Please Be Willing to Quit Yer Bitchin?" :)

With Encouragement,
Dawn

Dedicated with enormous gratitude to Bob Duggan and Dianne Connelly.